S e l f I n f l i c t e d
by Lovely Narcissist James Blanke
Summary: 'I hate myself because I know that this will hurt him; the very last thing I want to do. Yet…am I not hurting him now? People he loves are turning against him because of who he loves. Because of the gender of the person he loves. Because of me.' (Jak/Torn, mentions of cutting, vague character death)


A/N: This is pretty much just me putting my current feelings into a character. Sorry, Jak and Torn, but this time it has to be you. Well, correction: I might be sorry later, but right now, I reserve my right to not have to be nice all the time.

This might be a one shot, might not, I'll decide when I need to vent again. I might add Jak's thoughts of the aftermath.

* * *

I never thought I'd be down this road again. Never thought I'd come back to the comfort of pain. But here I am. Again. Like a pitiful teen. Like something my lover might have done.

I think of everything that's happened. All I can do is think; there's no more room left on my arm. Everything that's been said and done in the last few weeks.

The responses of people when we told them…

"It's like you two are perfect for each other."

_Tess smiled behind the counter._

"What the Hell do you think you're doing? That'll never work out."

_Ashelin frowned from her throne._

"It's your choice who you decide to be with. If you're both happy, I don't mind."

_Jinx shrugged on the other side of his latest explosives project._

"You're just taking advantage of Jak but he's letting it happen. It's still wrong."

_Keira grimaced, looking up from cleaning a zoomer._

"It's a mental disorder; it should be cured immediately."

_Vin explained looking back in concern from his many computer screens._

"Just don't go into detail, Chili peppers."

_Sig chuckled, leaning on a pool table._

"That's gross."

"That's shameful."

"That's wrong."

_Just how many times was it that we'd heard that?_

Phrases Jak said that stood out…

"I wish I didn't care what they said…"

_He tried to hold back tears while I held him._

"We'll just never leave this room…"

_He smiled into my chest._

"Let's go to sleep."

_He looked up sheepishly after nearly stumbling down the stairs in exhaustion._

"_I want you."_

"_I need you."_

"_I love you."_

_How many times had that been said that, just these last couple weeks?_

I think both of us said all of those quite a bit. We needed to hear those phrases, needed to be there for the other; now more than ever.

_Isn't it ironic… that you're planning to leave?… _I think.

The hope is that it vindicates Jak, that people pass it off as him just being a confused seventeen year old boy who thought he loved a twenty-three year old man.

I know that he loved me. I hope he always will, but I still want him to move on. He might resent me after this. I think I would…

I _know _I would.

It's not even me that I'm doing it to and I hate myself. It's because I love him. I hate myself because I know that this will hurt him; the very last thing I want to do. Yet…am I not hurting him now? People he loves are turning against him because of who he loves. Because of the _gender _of the person he loves. Because of me.

I kiss his lips before I leave. I wish I could stay longer; wish I could curl up beside him and kiss every inch of him.

But I don't. I know better; if I do, I won't be able to leave.

So I kiss only his lips and move to the door, the letter I've left for him embedded into my memory, screaming at me as I leave behind the last thing I have left in this world.

_Jak,_

_I know how hard these last few weeks have been on you. I wish I could take back all of what they said and did, but I can't; it's just how they are._

_Everyday this last month, I feel like the only thing that's gotten me through it all is your smile, even though I know that it's not always real. I love that you still tried to wear it as if nothing were wrong._

_But I know you, Jak. I know how you're feeling. Everything that you feel, I feel it, too. I know you're scared; I am too. I'm _so _scared, I think I might die of fright._

_Heh, listen to me. I was never afraid of anything before; I had nothing left to lose. But now I do; I have you and the thought of losing you is just…it's too much… I wouldn't be able to bear it. That said, I can only imagine how you feel reading this._

_I wish everything could be simple. I know it could. But we alone can't make that happen. That would depend on the mind of every individual to get over their homophobia, and that just won't happen._

_This is as quiet as it gets. I hope it's this quiet in death. Until you join me, I hope you'll hold on to my memory without too much contempt. I understand if you hate me now, but I hope one day you can come to understand my reasoning; I only aim to protect you._

_Protect our son; don't let him become cold because of this world, I beg of you… I love you two so much; I always will._

_And Jak?_

_Please don't go after anyone because of this. I swear, it's completely_

_self-inflicted._

* * *

A/N: This is what's been going through my mind lately. Of course, I won't leave her; the only way I can ensure her safety is to be there to protect her. I love you, Emy!


End file.
